This is, as you can probably see and begin to imagine, quite ridiculous and mostly fictional. The question you may—respectfully, understandably—be wondering is, why? Just why? What are these meddling kids up to? And our response would be … sometimes the best way to tell a story, to say what you want to say is to dress it up as something else. So without further adieu, this is the story of how four Boston College students—Fred, Daphne, Velma and Shaggy—and their talking eagle Baldwin saved BC on All Hallows Eve.
It’s Oct. 31: the Day of the Dead, All Hallows Eve, Halloween. The leaves continue to fall and the seasonal chaos has begun to spread across Chestnut Hill. Ghouls and ghosts are rising and dressing up across campus, ready to set out into the night. But trouble is afoot.The St. Ignatius statue is missing, today of all days. Early in the afternoon, University President Rev. William P. Leahy calls BC’s preeminent mystery solvers—Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy and Baldwin—to find and return the statue before the clock strikes midnight, and the spirit of St. Ignatius is lost forever.
The gang stumbles toward Gasson 100. The lights are off, but the dim radiance from the spotlights outside beams into the hall enough to illuminate the portraits of BC presidents past. Baldwin looks up as the eyes stalk them across the hallway.This was not where they wanted to be on Halloween. Sure, they were used to being given assignments like this, but this isn’t how they pictured their evening. Daphne wanted to hit up the third floor of Walsh before they went to a Mod later. Fred was good with this plan, as long as he’d be with Daphne. Velma just wanted to stay in, get an early start on her honors paper, but the rest of the gang was adamant about going out for Halloween, so per usual she sacrificed her personal happiness to fit in with the crowd. Shaggy just wanted to go chill behind College Rd., but he knew he’d have to swing by the Mod to get the goods first. Baldwin was just along for the ride. Initially, and somewhat oddly for an eagle, it was hard for Baldwin to make friends and he didn’t like trying new things. So he went along with the only gang who was willing to live with an eagle.They wait patiently for a minute.Leahy suddenly materializes out of thin air with a snap. He sports a luxurious tuxedo, a cape, and plastic fangs. His hair slicked back and dyed black, he leans against a lectern.“Hey there, gang,” he says. “I’ve got a big one for you tonight.”“Yeah? Just make it quick Father. We’ve got plans tonight,” says Fred, peering at Daphne out of the corner of his eye.“Be quick? Patience is a virtue, Fred. You’ve always known that. Besides, this can’t wait. You’ve got to get to the bottom of this soon as possible. It’s too important. The statue of St. Ignatius has been stolen, ripped right out of the cement.”
“Wait a minute, you made us come here on Halloween to find that stupid statue?” sneers Daphne angrily. “This definitely could’ve waited until tomorrow. It’s not like Stokes is on fire. We’ve got better things to do.”
Count Leahy swells up.
“Daphne, that statue represents all this school stands for. It’s what sets us apart from all the other schools in this city. Without it, the spirit of St. Ignatius wanders through the void. The Ignatius statue represents the pensive mind in all of us. It reminds us of our faith, our reason, and our call to serve. Tonight of all nights, when the dead and the demonic are so close, we need Ignatius. We need to refocus our attention on the spiritual aspect of Halloween and remember that it’s not just an excuse for you students to run about causing havoc.”“Alright, Father. We’ll find the statue, but gang, let’s be quick about it. We’ve got to get to that party,” Fred says. “Do you have any clues for us?”But Leahy is gone. He must have evaporated to whence he came.“He does that a lot,” Shaggy comments.“Alright gang, let’s start in the Mod Lot,” announces Fred. “Let’s be honest, some guys probably got pretty drunk and thought it’d be funny to steal the statue. Besides, rolling it down the Million-Dollar Stairs would probably be the easiest way to move that thing.”“Right, man definitely,” groans Shaggy. “But let’s stop by Lower first, I’m starving.”
The gang runs by Lower so they can satisfy Shaggy’s munchies. Baldwin finds a box of Baldwin Bites on his way down and devours it whole. Eventually they work their way to the Mod lot. There, the gang finds a trail of crushed concrete that leads from the elevated parking lot across the mod lot towards Alumni Stadium.
“Strange, but it seems that something more devious is afoot. This seems like it took a bit more effort than your average drunkard has in them,” Velma proposes. “Who do you think could have done it?”
The gang looks befuddled.
“You’d probably need the strength of a dozen Dudes to move that statue all this way,” Shaggy blurts out.
“I’ve got it!” Fred shouts. “It’s got to be Addazio. He’s got the strength of a thousand Dudes.”
“Right! Great idea, Fred!” Daphne exclaims. Fred blushs sheepishly.
“Maybe he thinks the statue will lift the kicking curse,” Velma continues. “Let’s head to Alumni. He’s probably still there lamenting over yet another loss. All it takes is a quick walk through the Mods, and we’ll be ready to g—OH MY GOD!”
But before the gang can skip on over to Alumni, find Addazio, put an end to the mystery, and still make it to the party relatively early (11:30), they hear a shout from the Mods.
The gang steps warily enters into the den of sin. They hear howls and a long screech within the red maze. Baldwin (the mascot) scrambles up to them. The very real Baldwin—the friendly, always frightened neighborhood eagle—bristles his feathers at this imposter. The mascot gestures demonstratively at a horde of ghouls behind him.
Daphne points a freshly-manicured finger right past Shaggy to where two kids wearing identical football jerseys stand motionless in the doorway of mod 4B. “Come play with us,” they sneer, challenging the freshman outside their mod to a game of BP. A colossal wave of red jungle juice from inside the mod rises high above their heads and crashes down to reveal a crowd of gargantuan football players gathered not too far from the gang. Slurred shouts suggesting where Virginia Tech can shove that win they just got fill the atmosphere as the boys slowly inch closer and closer to the crime-solving crew.
“Run!” Fred shouts.
The ghoul chases the crew around the Mods, shouting profanities all the while. Thanks to the homogeneous uniformity and and disorganized nature of the Mods, the crew gets lost several times before finding themselves out of breath, all the way at the student entrance of Alumni.“Well, that was convenient,” Fred remarks, taking out his Eagle ID and handing it to the security guard, who promptly swipes him in. The rest follow suit.
“Wait,” Daphne interjects once inside the stadium. “Do you hear that? I’m gonna check it out, that really creepy sound is coming from the end of that eerily dark tunnel. Here, take my flashlight and phone—I’m going in.”
Her friends exchange exasperated, knowing glances before following her into the tunnel and onto the turf field. There, at the far end of the field, is a hulking figure kicking 5-yard field goals—hundreds of balls lay just short of the goal post.
The figure spins around in an angry flurry, revealing his face. It is Coach Addazio, dressed as Hulk Hogan—impressive handlebar mustache, bandana, and all. Peering at the students he says, “YOU JUST DISTRACTED ME, BROTHER. NOW IT’S TIME TO THROW DOWN. WHATCHU GONNA DO?”
“Sorry, coach,” Fred says. “We don’t mean to bother you while you’re grieving.”
Addazio’s expression changes instantly from menacing to horrifically maniacal. “Hi, I’m Steve. Wanna Plaaaaay?”
“Uhh, no thanks.” Fred looks at him confused. “We just wanted to know if you had any information about the disappearance of the St. Ignatius statue. With all due respect, you wouldn’t have been up to any deviant behavior after another soul-crushing game?”
“And uhh yeah, we’d totally understand. No hard feelings. Just here to help,” Shaggy adds.
“No, of course not. In fact, I’ve been too upset to leave this stadium. See this football?” he says, picking up the ball at his feet. “This embodies everything. The team, the sport, the lifestyle. All of it. That’s why I’ve been standing here, kicking field goals. I wouldn’t take my anger out on your stone overlord Ignatius. Besides, that guy was a total Dude. Did you know he was an absolute baller before the whole conversion thing? Now, would I harm the Ultimate Dude, the only thing that keeps me going game after game, disappointment after disappointment?”
The kids exchange sympathetic glances. He is telling the truth. Addazio is off the hook.
Skipping the Maloney elevator, the gang trudges slowly up the million dollar stairs. Suddenly, a rope lasso traps and encircles Fred and Daphne, forcing the entire group into that familiar awkward situation where everyone is victim to their two friends’ palpable sexual tension.
“Like, YES, finally!” Shaggy shouts with an exaggerated roll of his eyes and the start of a dramatic slow-clap.
From out of the shadows, a mysterious voice shouts, “OH MY GAWD YOU ARE TOO CUTE, YOU SHOULD TOTALLY DATE!”
Emerging from just outside of the soft glow of the BC bluelight safety system, philosophy professor Kerry Cronin is dressed as a much cuter version of Lewis Carrol’s storybook villain The Queen of Hearts.
“Wait, You did it! You must have stolen Ignatius to distract us from our night of meaningless hookups and Rubi-driven debauchery!” Fred says, seemingly and rarely flustered
“Wait, what? of course not? I’ve just been sitting here, springing out from the bushes anytime I want to congratulate people on their cute couples costume, or if I have to chastise students for holding hands and not leaving room for the Holy Spirit. I have cameras set up all over the place to help increase my field of vision in this covert operation. You can check them if you still think I dared to leave my post to steal Iggy.”
Though the kids believe such a lame excuse could never be fabricated, Velma offers to check Cronin’s security tapes. They check out. Unfortunately, she isn’t the thief.
“Boy, I’m stumped. And hungry,” Shaggy says. “I’m gonna run back to Lower and get mozz sticks. Anyone wanna come?”
Baldwin nods emphatically. They wander towards Lower. An early steak and cheese beckons. Velma says she’ll head to O’Neill to figure it out on her own if she has to. Fred and Daphne glance at each other awkwardly.
“Let’s just go to the party, maybe someone will know something.” Daphne says.
“If you want…” Fred replies.
The gang heads their separate ways.
Not much time passes, though, before the Gasson bell tolls. Fred and Daphne look up from solo cups, Shaggy and Baldwin from two large steak and cheeses. Velma races out of the library, towards Gasson. The rest aren’t far behind.
The gang races to the top of Gasson tower. They reach the landing where the bell now rests, swaying only slightly. And leaning against the edge of of the landing, is St. Ignatius.“You have left me, forsaken me,” a voice whispers through and around the walls.“Jeepers! It’s the ghost of St. Ignatius!” Shaggy shouts.“Cool it. We all know ghosts aren’t real.” Daphne cautions. “Oh, I’m as real as any of you. I’m the spirit of this school and I am angry!”“Why are you angry?” Velma asks. Fred circles the landing.“Halloween used to be an important ritual. Back in my day, we celebrated the cycles of the seasons and honored our fallen comrades and ancestors. Nowadays, all these kids do is dress up as slutty pumpkins and partake in grave sins. Scary movies stir all you kids up in a frenzy, and you don’t respect the holiday, you don’t respect the school. So I’m leaving. And when Leahy and the coven of trustees finds you kids up here at the scene of the crime, you’ll be expelled. You won’t meddle in our affairs any longer.”
Baldwin caws upward. Spooked, he flies upward towards the top of the tower. Fred makes a go to grab the statue.
“Baldwin!” Shaggy shouts.
The gang hears a tussle up by the rafters. Baldwin and another figure crash down to the landing. Baldwin flaps away from the figure, tearing off the figure’s mask in the process.
“The mascot?” Shaggy exclaims.
Sprawled on the floor is the man behind the mascot. He lies there dazed and confused, but soon he comes to.“Why’d you do it?” Fred asks.“I can explain,” Velma inserts. “The only thing that stands between the BC Eagle and the image of the school is St. Ignatius here. With the St. Ignatius statue on campus, Jimmy here would never become the perfect symbol of BC happiness. He wanted to constantly fiend for fun, to never take anything too seriously, and to forget our Jesuit roots. By destroying the St. Ignatius statue and placing the blame on us, the Baldwin mascot—and no offense Baldwin—would become the primary symbol of BC. The pensive, thoughtful student that Ignatius inspires would have been done away with forever and unruly fun would have reigned over the BC student body.”
The mascot sits up against the wall.
“And I would have gotten away with it too! If not for—”
“—us meddling kids,” Daphne finishes.
Velma: “Are we still going to the party?”
Fred glances at Daphne, and says, “Nah, let’s just hang out us five. Like the good old times.”
“Late night?” Shaggy asks with a grin.
Daphne smiles. “Yeah, late night.”
“Baldwin Bites!” The real eagle shouts.
“Sure, Baldwin Bites,” Daphne chuckles.
Featured Image by Breck Wills / Heights Graphics